Lesson learnt

Last weekend I learned that

It is possible to study 8-12 HOURS PER DAY without neglecting physical health

Lesson learnt, but it is still hard to do it perfectly. My form and stamina are just not at that level yet. But I know it is possible with practice. Numerous plie for me to do. Unfortunately, hard for me to admit that my progress is basicly in the wrong direction throughout this weekdays compared to the last weekend.

Another weekend but I dont have the time to sing friday eventhough there is no classes. Though I will still be wondering should I take the back seat or the front seat(in the library). It is 3 for 3. Desperate times calls for desperate measure. Time to push my limit.

I am going to use this desperation to perfect that form and train my stamina. Ditch the plie and directly practice do the turns and the jumps for the coming sessional. Hopefully I can do at least 80percent of the piece perfectly, and use and maintain the momentum so that I can be 100percent for the 1 month left for what really matters; the finale.

For anyone who already lost it, I specifically mentioned physical health, leaving mental health in dark, cloudy fog. Mental health is hard to assess, especially to myself who even in normal optimal condition have a state of mental health which are questionable at best.

The forecast for mental health is dark... Really dark. Expect Darren Aronofsky dark. I am going to bleed black feathers ala Natalie Portman. Not good but it is necessary. On the bright side, I am looking forward for that moment with Mila Kunis.

I am going full exam mode for about 1month. Even cut my hair real short to help with clear mind. Hopefully I can make it to the second year mbbs without any complications obstacle. *craziness guaranteed.

Help me with your prayers. I need all the help I can get

Library

Bejai campus library

Kmc mangalore main campus library*

After 4 years I have been a regular patron of the library; 2 years in high school during form 4 and 5 and later during a levels and KI in ktt, I have started to go to kmc libraries.

Be assured that I still remember how to spend more than 4 hours in the library and somehow manage to stay in the same 1 page of the textbook

*image unavailable because: choose what u want to believe;

• im too busy studying to capture a photo
• the photo contains picture of the people who do not want to share their picture
• the photos contain picture of the people I do not wish to share the fact that I have taken their picture
• my phone was busy with my sudoku puzzles

perfection

new stalker anthem for ur study playlist. n good luck

Flaws

We are all with flaws. We have to own them or they will own us.


I did not notice that this statement correlates with my previous blog post. Coincidentally when i was contemplating on the one flaw that somehow i am more concerned with recently, i made up the above statement and in turns the statement inspire me to make post on the blog after so long.


I have a lot to say about this in particular and most of the fragments was tweeted in bits and pieces. For those who does not know i have a twitter account please do not go and search for it. You are not ready yet.


Now go to listen to this song. Pay attention to the lyrics.



Adele soul piercing voice combined with her superior song writing makes this song very heartfelt. It is heartbreaking for me to listen to this song, but it is on repeat. Indeed I am a masochist.


Why does this song hit me at the soft spot? I never have this kind of experience before, but somehow i knew that in the future this will happened to me countless times. Listen to the lyrics, or read it somewhere. While u are at it, add a big bracket after the first line of chorus 'never mind ill find someone like you' and enter a few of my own words which will result in 'never mind i'll find someone like you(who i let get away cause of my cowardice and my flaws which i own in another way instead of overcoming it)'.


In the previous post i have mentioned that i am not great in regards to the conficius quote. I am yet to overcome myself. I walk with such pride and arrogance. I am afraid to give my best just because my best have the slightest chance of being not good enough. I put on acts, 'adapting' i say, but the truth is, it is pretentiousness even to the point that i can be close to someone i actually despise. Throwing sarcasms and jokes nonchalantly as smokescreens so that it is not possible to know if a statement i made is serious or not.


This is a flaw that i owned. I keep my distance, maintaining ambiguity, remain professional at all times and it has become natural. It is a learned flaw. And it is harder to unlearn what we had learnt than to learn something new. Do i wish to have different past, to live normally and not become as detached and jaded as i am?


Definitely no if it turns me to some ignorant idiots who are too wrapped up in some old and aged ideas and mannerism and are unable to critically argue about something as a sport. instead they completely shuts down their mind when a foreign idea is presented to them and diss the presenter witlessly. But i really doubt that would happen. Give me a normal childhood and i will still be curious and open as i am, but i may still retain what i missed most, the naivety, the foolish assumption that people are always good.


I want to be more authentic. To just say hello to that person i am interested in and get to know him/her without waiting for them to reach in to me first, which even when it does happen, the first attempt will be met with some cold exaggeration of a mean glare or ignorance. Yes, non of my friends were accidental strangers at first.


To be able to say my sincere feelings without it being layered with sarcasm and unseriousness to a point that it can be regarded as just a joke and to be taken seriously for a change.


to actually share every thought and history with someone. I never have a friend that i do not have any secrets with.


To be really me. The whole me without the masks I put on. i blend into this different version of me with some demeanor exaggerated and others diminished according to my company.


but all sides of me is me. And maybe these sides are too contrary they cant co-exist at the same instance. still i question the people who says u disappoint me, i know u better, u changed, etc; can we really know anyone? i dont even know who i really am. I am still growing, changing, adapting as i go through life. i cant say that the me tomorrow is the same as i am today. But it is still me.


The verse from chipmunk's champion contain the lyrics

Ok, no one wants to help, I guess you're on your own

Build the foundation with the bricks they've thrown.

In a black and white world true colours show

Change if you want, everybody grows

i have a theory is that i am truly myself with the person i am most comfortable with. When it felt natural without any single effort to hide anything or enhance another. To talk about anything and everything, and to be respectably arguing about those things without any grudge afterwards. That person can be the one for me.


but i still have to overcome the flaw i am concerning with now, the commitment phobia. In a way it is a trust issue, but some major part of it arises from my own cowardice. The fear if all sides of me are shown, my secrets told or the past revealed or the combination will make people feel differently about me. Pity, fear, disgust; repulsive behaviour are bound to happen. That is why eventhough i think there is someone for me, or someone i want to be with, i never feel that i am adequate enough for that incredible person.


But as the chipmunk song state, i can change. Everybody grow. So maybe 1 day i can overcome that fear