Wordless Wednesday 1: Kurtha Raya

Dusting the dust and spider webs

in preparation for tomorrow more serious post. this is basically how i am feeling(strongly)





but yet it goes back and forth





taking off and become a supernova?
seems the most popular idea.
but what if gravity pull is too strong resulting to failure of launch?

more tomorrow

Bi-phobia

 http://news.discovery.com/animals/bi-color-cardinal-mystery-110531.html

Really cool. I bet if the bird listen to pop music, it will be a lady gaga fan. Little monsters put ur paws up

What really interesting is the males are repulsed by this special bird while the females do not really care if not embrace them.

I am going to conclude that females are more tolerant and accepting towards the queer, weird and unique. Most probably because of their compassionate nature.

While generally males will be repulsed and even show malicious behaviour towards anything that do not follows the stereotypical customs and culture. It is caused by the territorial instinct. Or in human it could be called as ego.

Of course there are exceptions. I could be wrong

FTW

FOR THE WIN

or

FU*K THE WORLD


very ambiguous. It is up for personal interpretation and speculation, at least until the truth comes out. Until then only I know the truth.

I am a psychopath, a twisted, complicated and damaged person. Being normal would definitely be easier

Lesson learnt

Last weekend I learned that

It is possible to study 8-12 HOURS PER DAY without neglecting physical health

Lesson learnt, but it is still hard to do it perfectly. My form and stamina are just not at that level yet. But I know it is possible with practice. Numerous plie for me to do. Unfortunately, hard for me to admit that my progress is basicly in the wrong direction throughout this weekdays compared to the last weekend.

Another weekend but I dont have the time to sing friday eventhough there is no classes. Though I will still be wondering should I take the back seat or the front seat(in the library). It is 3 for 3. Desperate times calls for desperate measure. Time to push my limit.

I am going to use this desperation to perfect that form and train my stamina. Ditch the plie and directly practice do the turns and the jumps for the coming sessional. Hopefully I can do at least 80percent of the piece perfectly, and use and maintain the momentum so that I can be 100percent for the 1 month left for what really matters; the finale.

For anyone who already lost it, I specifically mentioned physical health, leaving mental health in dark, cloudy fog. Mental health is hard to assess, especially to myself who even in normal optimal condition have a state of mental health which are questionable at best.

The forecast for mental health is dark... Really dark. Expect Darren Aronofsky dark. I am going to bleed black feathers ala Natalie Portman. Not good but it is necessary. On the bright side, I am looking forward for that moment with Mila Kunis.

I am going full exam mode for about 1month. Even cut my hair real short to help with clear mind. Hopefully I can make it to the second year mbbs without any complications obstacle. *craziness guaranteed.

Help me with your prayers. I need all the help I can get

Library

Bejai campus library

Kmc mangalore main campus library*

After 4 years I have been a regular patron of the library; 2 years in high school during form 4 and 5 and later during a levels and KI in ktt, I have started to go to kmc libraries.

Be assured that I still remember how to spend more than 4 hours in the library and somehow manage to stay in the same 1 page of the textbook

*image unavailable because: choose what u want to believe;

• im too busy studying to capture a photo
• the photo contains picture of the people who do not want to share their picture
• the photos contain picture of the people I do not wish to share the fact that I have taken their picture
• my phone was busy with my sudoku puzzles

perfection

new stalker anthem for ur study playlist. n good luck

Flaws

We are all with flaws. We have to own them or they will own us.


I did not notice that this statement correlates with my previous blog post. Coincidentally when i was contemplating on the one flaw that somehow i am more concerned with recently, i made up the above statement and in turns the statement inspire me to make post on the blog after so long.


I have a lot to say about this in particular and most of the fragments was tweeted in bits and pieces. For those who does not know i have a twitter account please do not go and search for it. You are not ready yet.


Now go to listen to this song. Pay attention to the lyrics.



Adele soul piercing voice combined with her superior song writing makes this song very heartfelt. It is heartbreaking for me to listen to this song, but it is on repeat. Indeed I am a masochist.


Why does this song hit me at the soft spot? I never have this kind of experience before, but somehow i knew that in the future this will happened to me countless times. Listen to the lyrics, or read it somewhere. While u are at it, add a big bracket after the first line of chorus 'never mind ill find someone like you' and enter a few of my own words which will result in 'never mind i'll find someone like you(who i let get away cause of my cowardice and my flaws which i own in another way instead of overcoming it)'.


In the previous post i have mentioned that i am not great in regards to the conficius quote. I am yet to overcome myself. I walk with such pride and arrogance. I am afraid to give my best just because my best have the slightest chance of being not good enough. I put on acts, 'adapting' i say, but the truth is, it is pretentiousness even to the point that i can be close to someone i actually despise. Throwing sarcasms and jokes nonchalantly as smokescreens so that it is not possible to know if a statement i made is serious or not.


This is a flaw that i owned. I keep my distance, maintaining ambiguity, remain professional at all times and it has become natural. It is a learned flaw. And it is harder to unlearn what we had learnt than to learn something new. Do i wish to have different past, to live normally and not become as detached and jaded as i am?


Definitely no if it turns me to some ignorant idiots who are too wrapped up in some old and aged ideas and mannerism and are unable to critically argue about something as a sport. instead they completely shuts down their mind when a foreign idea is presented to them and diss the presenter witlessly. But i really doubt that would happen. Give me a normal childhood and i will still be curious and open as i am, but i may still retain what i missed most, the naivety, the foolish assumption that people are always good.


I want to be more authentic. To just say hello to that person i am interested in and get to know him/her without waiting for them to reach in to me first, which even when it does happen, the first attempt will be met with some cold exaggeration of a mean glare or ignorance. Yes, non of my friends were accidental strangers at first.


To be able to say my sincere feelings without it being layered with sarcasm and unseriousness to a point that it can be regarded as just a joke and to be taken seriously for a change.


to actually share every thought and history with someone. I never have a friend that i do not have any secrets with.


To be really me. The whole me without the masks I put on. i blend into this different version of me with some demeanor exaggerated and others diminished according to my company.


but all sides of me is me. And maybe these sides are too contrary they cant co-exist at the same instance. still i question the people who says u disappoint me, i know u better, u changed, etc; can we really know anyone? i dont even know who i really am. I am still growing, changing, adapting as i go through life. i cant say that the me tomorrow is the same as i am today. But it is still me.


The verse from chipmunk's champion contain the lyrics

Ok, no one wants to help, I guess you're on your own

Build the foundation with the bricks they've thrown.

In a black and white world true colours show

Change if you want, everybody grows

i have a theory is that i am truly myself with the person i am most comfortable with. When it felt natural without any single effort to hide anything or enhance another. To talk about anything and everything, and to be respectably arguing about those things without any grudge afterwards. That person can be the one for me.


but i still have to overcome the flaw i am concerning with now, the commitment phobia. In a way it is a trust issue, but some major part of it arises from my own cowardice. The fear if all sides of me are shown, my secrets told or the past revealed or the combination will make people feel differently about me. Pity, fear, disgust; repulsive behaviour are bound to happen. That is why eventhough i think there is someone for me, or someone i want to be with, i never feel that i am adequate enough for that incredible person.


But as the chipmunk song state, i can change. Everybody grow. So maybe 1 day i can overcome that fear

the hardest thing

Great is the man who overcomes the world, but greater still in the man who overcomes himself, for he shall have the world spinning on the palm of his hand. — Confucius

unfortunately i am not great. i know i have the potential to be. i always put on a courageous and confidence demeanor but it is just a facade. the truth is i am afraid of my own shadow. i disappoint myself and others who expected more from me. i am deeply ashamed of my own cowardice

hopefully the day will come. when i will be great

hard rock story; tragedy or comedy, when the memory of life flashes in our minds

"You know, I've been thinking. Everything is... just comes together. It's me. I chose this. I chose all this. This rock... this rock has been waiting for me my entire life. It's entire life, ever since it was a bit of meteorite a million, billion years ago. In space. It's been waiting, to come here. Right, right here. I've been moving towards it my entire life. The minute I was born, every breath that I've taken, every action has been leading me to this crack on the out surface"

a quote from the Academy Award nominated movie, 127 Hours. Not sure if it was in the autobiography it was based on, but in the movie it is one of the memorable scene other than the Super Mario get gold coin sound effect. u can listen to the sound before u watch the movie, in fact i would recommend it because u will notice where it was used. but if u dont want spoiler, dont go beyond

blame it on my perverse sadism, appetite for blood or the emotional capacity of men(a teaspoon?) but i cannot stop laughing at that scene.

now back to the quote. in that scene, the protagonist's life flashes through his mind as he approached probably the metaphorical end of his life(?) and surely the end of the movie and his ordeal. at this moment he finally accepted the reality and that it was caused by his own actions, and so it was up to him to get out of it. in less poetic words of Aron Ralston himself in a 2003 interview;

How did you finally decide to start cutting? “After having enough sleepdeprived, meandering thoughts about how I arrived in the canyon, I realized that [my situation] was the result of decisions that I had made. I chose to go out there by myself. I chose to not tell anyone where I was going. I chose not to go with [two climbers] I had met in the canyon [on the first day].But I also realized that I had made all of the choices up to that point that had helped me survive. I took responsibility for all of my decisions, which helped me take on the responsibility of getting myself out.”

but ultimately what make him cut his hand when he did was a vision of a one-armed man scooping up a 3 years old child in a living room. the live he was yet to live and the possibility of the future. in the movie it was mentioned that his premonition came true, but the vision that he saw scene was a bit confusing and does not really show him(it is James Franco playing with the child) were amputated. so i missed it at first.

he is an inspirational courageous person. now we move on from the movie but not without a few more remarks. the movie makes canyoneering looks like a very good way to spend a weekend, minus the boulder crushing the forearm of course. n if i ever go on a serious hike, remind me to bring my scalpel. maybe a small hammer would be a good idea.

now to the tragedy or comedy part. i wondered if my life ever flashes through my mind, what would it be?

for those who do not know the differences between a tragedy or comedy, a comedy ends with the protagonist(s) getting hitched and live happily ever after (e.g A Midsummer's Night Dream), while tragedy is where the protagonist(s) die happily or die miserably(e.g Romeo and Juliet).

i want it to be a comedy as i want to get a family but most probably it will be a tragedy. most tragedy are more preferable to be called an art masterpiece anyway. another reason is that i always figured that my lifetime is either die young or live forever.

actually i do not really care about my story anyway. never were really a protagonist material. i am too chaotic(unpredictable) and morally ambiguously to be an effective protagonist. what i am is the scene stealing antagonist/supporting character/villain/lover that serves as a plot point in ur life storieS. note the 's'. it is in plural form. as in many life storieS. so i'll be in both tragedies and comedies not to mention every alternative sub-genres ever existed.

for example, in the aforementioned movie i will be the young woman's boobs (.)(.) in the recording when he paused and tried to... but then did not... talking about sailors in the sea situation. to his defense maybe he just want to recycle some edible protein he knew he could produce. i wonder if the real Aron Ralston really did that? or maybe the other scene stealer, the super mario brothers coin sound effect.

yes i am saying that i will be a scene stealer in ur own storieS. yours, yours, yours and maybe yours. not u, ur life is too boring. for those interesting people who are lucky enough to get even remotely acquainted with me, i am so sorry for stealing the spotlight in ur own 'flashing memories' before u die moment. i know u cant blame me cause u just cant help it, it is ur memory not mine.

Mr. Bunbury

An introduction to Mr. Bunbury to the less literate people; in the play 'The Importance of Being Ernest' by Oscar Wilde, he is an invalid friend of Algernon who haves an extraordinary bad health and conveniently gets sicks and require Algernon's company when the latter have some business to be avoided. Not surprising considering the facts that Mr. Bunbury did not exist in real life and merely an invention by Algernon.

Also in the play, Algernon defines Bunburyist as people who had made up a fictional character of their care so that they can easily get out of a commitment or responsibilities. It is a type of con.

I am a master of Bunburyist myself, trained by the days i answered the home phone when some trivial person wants to talk to my mom, who happens to be a master Bunburyist herself and my mentor in the art. At first detailed back-story was needed to be briefed but over time, i learned to made something up as i go without really needing any preparation.

Artful dodging especially by mere conversation have been a fascination for me. The reason why i like watching lawyer shows and why i think i am more suited in being a lawyer than what i am set to be now. Throwing smoke screens with words, buying time before some real substance and strategy materialize.

i noticed that i developed a manner of conversation which are somewhat vague and ambiguous and which are open to the the interpretation of others without committing to one or the other. in most cases the opponent would assume that i actually agree with him/her. but it is a double edged sword, especially during some oral test cause i cant seem to get straight to the point(it does not applies to an interview where character and communication skill are tested instead of key points).

For the later part of this post, i would further simplify the use of Bunbury as a verb to describe avoiding responsibilities and commitment in a device to tell my story today.

I have been Bunburying the whole day and as i typed the letters of this post i was supposed to be studying for exam, even more so because i made a mano-a-mano battle out of it. if i do lose(which would be my own laziness fault) the eardrums of mine and the approximate in radius 10m will vibrates profusely causing enough heat to cause physical damage, severe pain and the lost of their elasticity thus our hearing.

before this post was in motion, i was just finished reading the play aforementioned earlier. subsequently, literature become a subject of a skype conversation which were the actual immediate incident before this blog post.

the love for literature is disregarded during college. i do reads some literature now n then but there is no intellectual discussion about the subject afterwards. It is such a shame for my critics, interpretation and thoughts which are plentiful to remain unheard.

Certain other obligations like studies etc and a number of variable and trivial distractions limits the time to actually read. i have to Bunbury through a 3 act play. (please ignore the fact that if i did not Bunbury for the distractions i would have finished the whole anthology).

in high school i am always excited for english period especially if the teacher is teaching literature for the day. i would contribute the most in those discussion. we miss those days thus the idea for a book club transpires. where we would commit(to one book) and have deep meaningful conversation(about the book).

in an alternate reality, i am an English major student in one of the Ivy League, most probably in same lectures as Emma Watson, lying on the parks ground reading my assignment when someone approaches....

breeze

breezin' all the way thru

no hassle

proximity

icarus flew high

with the wings he had given

the warning that cometh with

are all but forgotten

the sun

bright and warm

great mass, great gravity

helplessly pulling the intrigued

just so when in proximity

the reality kicks in

the sun's fault surfaces

wild untamed fickle unpredictable

kills the subject in question

its not the sun deed

yet the sun knows its fault

it is true indeed

it is lonely at the top

the sun wants company

but knows not how to be in

thus it let a lie publicly known

as daedalus told

the sun's hostility

even then

the gravitation too strong

more so on those

who possesses great gravity of their own

he could have flew far

with the wings he has been given

but to the sun he reaches out

eager to be the lonesome star's

the solitary heart fickled

as hope and despair variably felt

the optimist and realist take their turn

only jealousy persisted

to see the courage to be in pursuit

rather than awaits n avoid pursuit

as it watches the distance disappears

'he could be the one, no ones ever come as close'

and thus hope is high, it shines too bright

causing them to be apart

that brief sweet moment they shared

always be in the sun's memory

along with the others who tried and died

and all the sad goodbyes

the lonely sun

awaits for courageous others

to once again be pursuit

shining with hope

there will be the one

yet, contempt with

eternal loneliness

in that, he wonders

the deeds

the life the departed would have

if they chose to resist that gravity

and just stay away

cause safety can be found in distance

*this poem that does not rhyme deals with choice between desire and responsibilities when such talent and/or rare opportunities are given. also choice between living the conventional safe life, or pursuit the dreams of the risky road less traveled. love, hope, contempt and commitment phobia are also shown in personification of the sun. icarus feelings are left in question except for his love to the sun, what he feels about his tragic death are left unknown whether he regret it or happy about it. and what would happen when he is still alive, would he be living with regret?

p/s: At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet -plato-