Wordless Wednesday 1: Kurtha Raya

Dusting the dust and spider webs

in preparation for tomorrow more serious post. this is basically how i am feeling(strongly)





but yet it goes back and forth





taking off and become a supernova?
seems the most popular idea.
but what if gravity pull is too strong resulting to failure of launch?

more tomorrow

FTW

FOR THE WIN

or

FU*K THE WORLD


very ambiguous. It is up for personal interpretation and speculation, at least until the truth comes out. Until then only I know the truth.

I am a psychopath, a twisted, complicated and damaged person. Being normal would definitely be easier

Lesson learnt

Last weekend I learned that

It is possible to study 8-12 HOURS PER DAY without neglecting physical health

Lesson learnt, but it is still hard to do it perfectly. My form and stamina are just not at that level yet. But I know it is possible with practice. Numerous plie for me to do. Unfortunately, hard for me to admit that my progress is basicly in the wrong direction throughout this weekdays compared to the last weekend.

Another weekend but I dont have the time to sing friday eventhough there is no classes. Though I will still be wondering should I take the back seat or the front seat(in the library). It is 3 for 3. Desperate times calls for desperate measure. Time to push my limit.

I am going to use this desperation to perfect that form and train my stamina. Ditch the plie and directly practice do the turns and the jumps for the coming sessional. Hopefully I can do at least 80percent of the piece perfectly, and use and maintain the momentum so that I can be 100percent for the 1 month left for what really matters; the finale.

For anyone who already lost it, I specifically mentioned physical health, leaving mental health in dark, cloudy fog. Mental health is hard to assess, especially to myself who even in normal optimal condition have a state of mental health which are questionable at best.

The forecast for mental health is dark... Really dark. Expect Darren Aronofsky dark. I am going to bleed black feathers ala Natalie Portman. Not good but it is necessary. On the bright side, I am looking forward for that moment with Mila Kunis.

I am going full exam mode for about 1month. Even cut my hair real short to help with clear mind. Hopefully I can make it to the second year mbbs without any complications obstacle. *craziness guaranteed.

Help me with your prayers. I need all the help I can get

Library

Bejai campus library

Kmc mangalore main campus library*

After 4 years I have been a regular patron of the library; 2 years in high school during form 4 and 5 and later during a levels and KI in ktt, I have started to go to kmc libraries.

Be assured that I still remember how to spend more than 4 hours in the library and somehow manage to stay in the same 1 page of the textbook

*image unavailable because: choose what u want to believe;

• im too busy studying to capture a photo
• the photo contains picture of the people who do not want to share their picture
• the photos contain picture of the people I do not wish to share the fact that I have taken their picture
• my phone was busy with my sudoku puzzles

Flaws

We are all with flaws. We have to own them or they will own us.


I did not notice that this statement correlates with my previous blog post. Coincidentally when i was contemplating on the one flaw that somehow i am more concerned with recently, i made up the above statement and in turns the statement inspire me to make post on the blog after so long.


I have a lot to say about this in particular and most of the fragments was tweeted in bits and pieces. For those who does not know i have a twitter account please do not go and search for it. You are not ready yet.


Now go to listen to this song. Pay attention to the lyrics.



Adele soul piercing voice combined with her superior song writing makes this song very heartfelt. It is heartbreaking for me to listen to this song, but it is on repeat. Indeed I am a masochist.


Why does this song hit me at the soft spot? I never have this kind of experience before, but somehow i knew that in the future this will happened to me countless times. Listen to the lyrics, or read it somewhere. While u are at it, add a big bracket after the first line of chorus 'never mind ill find someone like you' and enter a few of my own words which will result in 'never mind i'll find someone like you(who i let get away cause of my cowardice and my flaws which i own in another way instead of overcoming it)'.


In the previous post i have mentioned that i am not great in regards to the conficius quote. I am yet to overcome myself. I walk with such pride and arrogance. I am afraid to give my best just because my best have the slightest chance of being not good enough. I put on acts, 'adapting' i say, but the truth is, it is pretentiousness even to the point that i can be close to someone i actually despise. Throwing sarcasms and jokes nonchalantly as smokescreens so that it is not possible to know if a statement i made is serious or not.


This is a flaw that i owned. I keep my distance, maintaining ambiguity, remain professional at all times and it has become natural. It is a learned flaw. And it is harder to unlearn what we had learnt than to learn something new. Do i wish to have different past, to live normally and not become as detached and jaded as i am?


Definitely no if it turns me to some ignorant idiots who are too wrapped up in some old and aged ideas and mannerism and are unable to critically argue about something as a sport. instead they completely shuts down their mind when a foreign idea is presented to them and diss the presenter witlessly. But i really doubt that would happen. Give me a normal childhood and i will still be curious and open as i am, but i may still retain what i missed most, the naivety, the foolish assumption that people are always good.


I want to be more authentic. To just say hello to that person i am interested in and get to know him/her without waiting for them to reach in to me first, which even when it does happen, the first attempt will be met with some cold exaggeration of a mean glare or ignorance. Yes, non of my friends were accidental strangers at first.


To be able to say my sincere feelings without it being layered with sarcasm and unseriousness to a point that it can be regarded as just a joke and to be taken seriously for a change.


to actually share every thought and history with someone. I never have a friend that i do not have any secrets with.


To be really me. The whole me without the masks I put on. i blend into this different version of me with some demeanor exaggerated and others diminished according to my company.


but all sides of me is me. And maybe these sides are too contrary they cant co-exist at the same instance. still i question the people who says u disappoint me, i know u better, u changed, etc; can we really know anyone? i dont even know who i really am. I am still growing, changing, adapting as i go through life. i cant say that the me tomorrow is the same as i am today. But it is still me.


The verse from chipmunk's champion contain the lyrics

Ok, no one wants to help, I guess you're on your own

Build the foundation with the bricks they've thrown.

In a black and white world true colours show

Change if you want, everybody grows

i have a theory is that i am truly myself with the person i am most comfortable with. When it felt natural without any single effort to hide anything or enhance another. To talk about anything and everything, and to be respectably arguing about those things without any grudge afterwards. That person can be the one for me.


but i still have to overcome the flaw i am concerning with now, the commitment phobia. In a way it is a trust issue, but some major part of it arises from my own cowardice. The fear if all sides of me are shown, my secrets told or the past revealed or the combination will make people feel differently about me. Pity, fear, disgust; repulsive behaviour are bound to happen. That is why eventhough i think there is someone for me, or someone i want to be with, i never feel that i am adequate enough for that incredible person.


But as the chipmunk song state, i can change. Everybody grow. So maybe 1 day i can overcome that fear

hard rock story; tragedy or comedy, when the memory of life flashes in our minds

"You know, I've been thinking. Everything is... just comes together. It's me. I chose this. I chose all this. This rock... this rock has been waiting for me my entire life. It's entire life, ever since it was a bit of meteorite a million, billion years ago. In space. It's been waiting, to come here. Right, right here. I've been moving towards it my entire life. The minute I was born, every breath that I've taken, every action has been leading me to this crack on the out surface"

a quote from the Academy Award nominated movie, 127 Hours. Not sure if it was in the autobiography it was based on, but in the movie it is one of the memorable scene other than the Super Mario get gold coin sound effect. u can listen to the sound before u watch the movie, in fact i would recommend it because u will notice where it was used. but if u dont want spoiler, dont go beyond

blame it on my perverse sadism, appetite for blood or the emotional capacity of men(a teaspoon?) but i cannot stop laughing at that scene.

now back to the quote. in that scene, the protagonist's life flashes through his mind as he approached probably the metaphorical end of his life(?) and surely the end of the movie and his ordeal. at this moment he finally accepted the reality and that it was caused by his own actions, and so it was up to him to get out of it. in less poetic words of Aron Ralston himself in a 2003 interview;

How did you finally decide to start cutting? “After having enough sleepdeprived, meandering thoughts about how I arrived in the canyon, I realized that [my situation] was the result of decisions that I had made. I chose to go out there by myself. I chose to not tell anyone where I was going. I chose not to go with [two climbers] I had met in the canyon [on the first day].But I also realized that I had made all of the choices up to that point that had helped me survive. I took responsibility for all of my decisions, which helped me take on the responsibility of getting myself out.”

but ultimately what make him cut his hand when he did was a vision of a one-armed man scooping up a 3 years old child in a living room. the live he was yet to live and the possibility of the future. in the movie it was mentioned that his premonition came true, but the vision that he saw scene was a bit confusing and does not really show him(it is James Franco playing with the child) were amputated. so i missed it at first.

he is an inspirational courageous person. now we move on from the movie but not without a few more remarks. the movie makes canyoneering looks like a very good way to spend a weekend, minus the boulder crushing the forearm of course. n if i ever go on a serious hike, remind me to bring my scalpel. maybe a small hammer would be a good idea.

now to the tragedy or comedy part. i wondered if my life ever flashes through my mind, what would it be?

for those who do not know the differences between a tragedy or comedy, a comedy ends with the protagonist(s) getting hitched and live happily ever after (e.g A Midsummer's Night Dream), while tragedy is where the protagonist(s) die happily or die miserably(e.g Romeo and Juliet).

i want it to be a comedy as i want to get a family but most probably it will be a tragedy. most tragedy are more preferable to be called an art masterpiece anyway. another reason is that i always figured that my lifetime is either die young or live forever.

actually i do not really care about my story anyway. never were really a protagonist material. i am too chaotic(unpredictable) and morally ambiguously to be an effective protagonist. what i am is the scene stealing antagonist/supporting character/villain/lover that serves as a plot point in ur life storieS. note the 's'. it is in plural form. as in many life storieS. so i'll be in both tragedies and comedies not to mention every alternative sub-genres ever existed.

for example, in the aforementioned movie i will be the young woman's boobs (.)(.) in the recording when he paused and tried to... but then did not... talking about sailors in the sea situation. to his defense maybe he just want to recycle some edible protein he knew he could produce. i wonder if the real Aron Ralston really did that? or maybe the other scene stealer, the super mario brothers coin sound effect.

yes i am saying that i will be a scene stealer in ur own storieS. yours, yours, yours and maybe yours. not u, ur life is too boring. for those interesting people who are lucky enough to get even remotely acquainted with me, i am so sorry for stealing the spotlight in ur own 'flashing memories' before u die moment. i know u cant blame me cause u just cant help it, it is ur memory not mine.

Mr. Bunbury

An introduction to Mr. Bunbury to the less literate people; in the play 'The Importance of Being Ernest' by Oscar Wilde, he is an invalid friend of Algernon who haves an extraordinary bad health and conveniently gets sicks and require Algernon's company when the latter have some business to be avoided. Not surprising considering the facts that Mr. Bunbury did not exist in real life and merely an invention by Algernon.

Also in the play, Algernon defines Bunburyist as people who had made up a fictional character of their care so that they can easily get out of a commitment or responsibilities. It is a type of con.

I am a master of Bunburyist myself, trained by the days i answered the home phone when some trivial person wants to talk to my mom, who happens to be a master Bunburyist herself and my mentor in the art. At first detailed back-story was needed to be briefed but over time, i learned to made something up as i go without really needing any preparation.

Artful dodging especially by mere conversation have been a fascination for me. The reason why i like watching lawyer shows and why i think i am more suited in being a lawyer than what i am set to be now. Throwing smoke screens with words, buying time before some real substance and strategy materialize.

i noticed that i developed a manner of conversation which are somewhat vague and ambiguous and which are open to the the interpretation of others without committing to one or the other. in most cases the opponent would assume that i actually agree with him/her. but it is a double edged sword, especially during some oral test cause i cant seem to get straight to the point(it does not applies to an interview where character and communication skill are tested instead of key points).

For the later part of this post, i would further simplify the use of Bunbury as a verb to describe avoiding responsibilities and commitment in a device to tell my story today.

I have been Bunburying the whole day and as i typed the letters of this post i was supposed to be studying for exam, even more so because i made a mano-a-mano battle out of it. if i do lose(which would be my own laziness fault) the eardrums of mine and the approximate in radius 10m will vibrates profusely causing enough heat to cause physical damage, severe pain and the lost of their elasticity thus our hearing.

before this post was in motion, i was just finished reading the play aforementioned earlier. subsequently, literature become a subject of a skype conversation which were the actual immediate incident before this blog post.

the love for literature is disregarded during college. i do reads some literature now n then but there is no intellectual discussion about the subject afterwards. It is such a shame for my critics, interpretation and thoughts which are plentiful to remain unheard.

Certain other obligations like studies etc and a number of variable and trivial distractions limits the time to actually read. i have to Bunbury through a 3 act play. (please ignore the fact that if i did not Bunbury for the distractions i would have finished the whole anthology).

in high school i am always excited for english period especially if the teacher is teaching literature for the day. i would contribute the most in those discussion. we miss those days thus the idea for a book club transpires. where we would commit(to one book) and have deep meaningful conversation(about the book).

in an alternate reality, i am an English major student in one of the Ivy League, most probably in same lectures as Emma Watson, lying on the parks ground reading my assignment when someone approaches....

eidul adha

i rarely post pic in this blog. but it felt needed. so here it goes

the cake is from spar, city centre mall. just walking distance from acropolis, the senior's apartment where we gather and eat the cake n other delicacies. it is real walking distance not the 'walking distance' when u ask people for direction.

after we eat n chat(and for us a little shopping at city centre mall) we are off to the slaughter house

yes that is abang mahfidz there expertly executing the qurban. after he done that he directly went back to the official business of taking care of the malaysians' qurban; briefing the ustaz, counting the our parts and means of distributing them without a flinch. respect!!

he even offered to cook our parts this weekend. so lucky to have such an awesome senior. :D

*ini bukan bodek

lets count the heads

cut cut cut

weighing and packing
ready for distribution

under the tent outside we hangout.

looking forward to this weekend. to eat the delicious meat cooked by the awesome chef, abg mahfidz and my scandal all the way from belgaum is coming to town. :D

trick or treat

It the time of the year again. It is halloween day.

Contrary to the general public expectation, Halloween have little significant to me.

Nowadays for most people, halloween is just a secular holiday celebrated with parties which allows slutty costumes along with the usual dancing and grinding to the loud pumping music.

And with the assumption that i am fond to ogling sexy bodies in tight n little outfit n dancing n grinding (jumping n headbanging) to the loud thumping bass, people expect me to like halloween day.
€
Long time ago(and for some current cult), Halloween is not just a secular holiday. The wiccans(witches) celebrates this day as samhain day. They believe in this day the border between this world and the other world is weaken, causing more spirits, good or bad to crossover to our world. Therefore at this time, it is said that their spell will be more powerful.

Strangely this is the other reason that some people would assume that i celebrates halloween. It might be the existing notion that i am keeping a pet and/or practise witchcraft. *believing in such power is stronger than God's will is blasphemy

I dont blame them to have suspected such things considering the amount of time I spend locked in my room, how I can suddenly be everywhere, how sometimes I am unusually silent, how on seldom occasion I can really eat a lot and how generally lucky I am.

It is surprising how fast people come into conclusion considering they are not from the same village or the nearby village. They dont even have the privelege of having the full story of my ancestry.

The fact that my late grandmother is a mak andam, local traditional wedding planner who usually applies not only make up to the bride to make them look pretty.

The fact that my late grandfather was a headmaster of a school who own a mystical keris(inherited by my uncle) and a book called tajul muluk(inherited by my mother but unfortunately burnt by my father) which he refers to when helping people as a 'healer'.

The informations are highly sensitive which with a little snooping on wikipedia would reveal a purely coincidental fact that the father of wiccan, Gerald Gardner once resided in malaya. During his stay, he became interested with the local weaponry and magic. Whe wrote a book about keris, excavated tombs at johore lama(i have relatives there).

And then there is rumor that while I am doing my mbbs here in india, I will research about the secrets of ayurveda, yoga, alchemy, and the likes to find immortality. (some even say I want to complete my own version of my book of shadows).

let me confirm that I do not celebrate halloween. Well, not in a wearing a skimpy n tight leather boxer with horns and fake bloods splattered all over my body and dance n grind (jumping up n down n headbanging) with strangers.

Or even locked up in my room sitting in a croossleg in the middle of a pentagram or a circle possibly with a big scrap book open in front of me and incense burning, an urn full of burning bones n herbs n suspicious looking powder and/or a pot of thick gooey fluorescent coloured liguid stirred while reciting some nonsensical rhymes preferably in Sanskrit.

The way I celebrated halloween is by enjoying the delicious tv show specials and movies. And in recent years, I could expext a free treat in the form of a couple(or more) slices of secret recipes cakes. But this year I realise I am not in ktt anymore, meaning that I have to settle for a less perishable treats which will probably arrive 1 or 2 weeks later, possibly even later considering the exam season

quarterly review

Today, I have already spent 3 months in mangalore. It is our 3rd mensiversary here in india and as a medical student doing mbbs course in india

A lot of things have happen in 3 months. Personal growth n sight seeing aside, we already finished the upper limb and the lower limb anatomy.

And now we are studying the thorax. Yes, that means we cut open the rib cage n get to see the viscera inside

Everyone so excited to touch the viscera n unfortunately nobody fainted.

Got another allowance from sponsor, but dont really have time to shop.

P/s: I did not forget to mention about the 1st sessional exam. Just chose not to

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closing time

i used to work in the service industry. specifically in the food and beverages industry. the clichéd job of a disney fairytale movie, autobiography of celebrities n basically all rags to riches story. the latest new orleans ghetto disney princess did it, shah rukh khan did it, n most of the hollywood actors did it. yes, waiting tables.

it is quite obvious why it is so clichéd. it builds character. though a short and tragic stint, a lot was gained from it. got some great memorable moments, met interesting people and a lot of lesson learned. my hardcore stalker will remember a blog post(from my old deleted blog) regarding one of the lesson learned and the wise but unfortunate barista. i miss that blog post. probably was my best. n to the hardcore stalkers, i am sorry cause this is still not about thetragic part; why i quit the job abruptly.

as per the title, it is about closing time. i learned to really respect closing time. there are lots of signs given to the patrons in stages to let them know about the closing time arrival. 1 hour before the kitchen will be closed n no other food orders except for pastries will be entertained. 15 minutes later only takeaways will be entertained, no seats will be given. 30 minutes before closing the bar will be closed n no drink orders will be taken. and at the critical time, 15 minutes before closing, the patrons must be blind to not notice the signs given; the pastry bar is closed, menus and (vacant)tables decors are kept, vacant tables are wiped cleaned, bills are given out to each occupied table. 10 minutes before closing time the bill with the payment is taken from each of the table is taken, the cash register is closed n mopping of the floor ensues.

polite n understanding customers would have finished their drinks, foods and business in the 10 minutes time but there are still quite a few that would have to be asked to leave by the manager. which by that time the staff are waiting eagerly to finish all the pending work so that they can retire for the nite. n we do respect the customer n just waits patiently until the customer have left because that is the essence of service industry, customer are always right in other words; @ss kissing.

we are humbled. we accept any way the customer treat us. rude n high voices, degrading comments, ridiculous demands, sneer and jeers, a pat in the arse and overtime customer is tolerated n are not uncommon. but sure it is nice to have a nice polite and friendly customer once in a while. n dat is why i am nice to workers in the service department, always say thank you n smiles to them which is in stark contrast to how i treat my friends n colleagues.

n so its closing time. n i hope everyone respects that fact. closing reason; increase exclusivity of the product, maintain the quality of the product, and re-branding process; to keep things fresh, i.e a fresh start

low accessibility is when u dont have deliveries* for the product and here is only 3 flagshipstores*. 1st store is very exclusive; not many knows about it, and focuses on quality compared to quantity of the product* therefore updated rarely. 2nd store is the easiest access point, situated in a big complex*, where others make their products accessible. huge quantity and cheap product is the focus here. the third store is basically the same as the second store except for only 1 type of product, but in a lesser known complex, less customer thus basically dead. also a frequent reference to the 1st store in producing new product thus order or request can be placed. and all the 3 stores is connected via the 2nd store as any updates in the other two will be advertised there.

the second store is the go to place. eventhough there is no postal, online order and deliveries, everyone hangs out at that complex, making accessibility easy. and now i am closing that store, making accessibility falls very low thus increasing exclusivity. exclusivity is inversely proportional to accessibility. regular patrons grieved and mourned.

but the other two remain open. another one recently opened store is also remained opened but it is still relatively unknown and still subject to exclusivity, limited customer per time and limited type of product. and the hardcore fan should have known about the stores which is still in business.

with the closing of the 2nd store, exclusivity and quality is increased. it is extra special and deeply appreciated by the patrons when i personally send the product myself. and see their reaction is worth it.

p/s: i dont hate apple cause it's exclusivity of i tunes etc, there is a way around that though troublesome. it is caused of over-hyped and overpriced product

*analogies to social networking sites

p/p/s: accessibility will be increased when i get a new phone. i miss texting

india, mbbs, me and adventure

i already been here more than 1 month.

i cannot say that i enjoy all of my time spent here but most of it i did. but most importantly i am experiencing. and by experiencing i progress. or perhaps regress. but direction is only relative. it does not matter. what matter is i am not static.

it is not my business but it is sad to see that most people who have the same opportunity as i got fail to see the real opportunity that we are getting. all they see n what is important to them is we got the scholarship to study here and come back with a roll of paper that most probably will define their whole life.

they try too keep to their comfort zone n clutch tightly on every single thing that is within their reach. unfortunately in foreign situations like these, some of them are just unavailable. n then they fall apart n break to pieces. as i watch by, i wish they will pick up the pieces, mend them back together with greater scaffolding just like the bones in our body do.

others tried very hard to keep me from doing stuff like living with a local indian. the negativity that they prejudicially throws towards the citizen of the country with the 2nd highest population in the world baffles me. i wonder how many locals they already know.

that did not stopped me. the word i used is adventure. i want to experience. whether pleasant or bad, i will embrace the experience. i take risks to see where is my limit. n when i reach the border, i will cross it, sooner or later. i am a bit crazy and i am a bit masochist(and sadist).

i am flexible. versatile. i adjust to situation quickly. i can feel that i am changing now. or perhaps its just another part of me by some mild hypocritical quality i call professionalism is present. i dont feel like myself. but then again who am i to define myself? maybe that is the real me?

i cannot answer that question right now. so im just going to embrace this confusion and unfamiliarity.

it is lonely when others dont share the same perspective as me and i misses being around those who understand. around them i feel comfortable n more of myself.

mbbs. too busy for my personality(on my perspective, which could be the person who i want to be but not who i am). n i dont really have the passion to become a doctor. but i like the subject we study. i like the wonders of human body. preventing diseases and improving the body which i can apply to myself. parallel to my libel cause of finding an eternal youth. with that mentality i will finish my mbbs course. n i am going to have fun doing it.

how would you react? if i say, u're my everything shahril..

its expected but not recommended

expected coz i am
1. good looking
2. charming
3. smart
4. ingenious
5. adept
etc

not recommended coz
i am unbound person. i like variety to the extend that i get bored and move on easily. so the possibility of me maintaining a monogamous stable relationship will be very low. i might either break off the relationship, pull a disappearing act(m.i.a) or have affairs.

but this only apply to the general public.

u however are quite different n unique. u r random and u surprises me sometimes so perhaps u are able to keep me interested in you. u r smart and can hold ur own opinion against me in an aggressive argument i respect ur opinions n enjoys arguing with u and i believe it's great for my personal development n growth. and with all my quirks u still can tolerate me and sometimes able to subdue me.

so in short, perhaps u can put a leash on me...

taking this in consideration, my reaction will be asking my mother to put on a band of relatives to go to ur house n ask ur family for ur hand in marriage. then we make beautiful n smart babies n live happily ever after.

~the end~

p.s: the great thing about social networking site is the way we are communicating with our writing contains no body languages that could determine whether a statement is a real honest truth that comes deep down from the heart or just plain blatant lies. this statement is the truth. or partial truth. or not true at all

p.s.s: can see dat we future mangaloreans uni students are setting up for a dramatic love story 5 years in the running. kmc's sue + yenepoya's mun asked me similar question

Q & A with Ayl. u ask and i'll answer